I came here to write – Day one

A short story told over five days. Day one.

I’ve been gripped by the roaring, screaming emptiness of the white page for decades now. Its potential, its possibilities are as clear as life and death itself. You can have whatever you will, or you can be reduced to this – nothing. Your choice. You choose.

I, it would seem, chose nothing for years. I chose to forgo all those possibilities, to let life drift by, to squander it all. Not that it felt like a squandering.

We had our memories to create and archive, even though, back then, it felt like we were just living. The tip of dirty washing entwined in the corner of the bedroom would never have cleaned itself if I had spent all day tapping on a keyboard. The tip doesn’t grow so big these days.

So, I came here to write. Needed the solitude to focus, you see. The freedom to create. Here I am. Sitting silent and alone. Staring at a pulsating cursor, tapping out time in a silent accusative rhythm against the glare of a snow-white sheet floating on a still, grey sea.

I’ve paid good money to free myself from contact with the outside world and create this space where anything may happen, although not even a something has happened so far. Still, the day is young and the sky out there dominating the top half of the long French windows is grey enough to deter thoughts of stretching my legs down through the unkempt garden and out through the bottom gate and into the countryside beyond.

Yesterday, after unpacking – it must have taken almost 10 minutes to empty the canvass roll bag I had carried with me on train, bus and final hike from the village up three lanes and a dirt track to this secluded spot – I ventured back out of the cottage down the overgrown lawn bordered by wilting roses and resplendent weeds and out through the back gate. I stepped on to fields of poppies and what would have, in the not so distant past, been graded by some bureaucrat as set aside. Now, it performs a passable imitation of a wild meadow. Perhaps it has just been forgotten and gone to seed, which is no bad thing. It proved a splendid distraction that kept me from staring into the white void for the rest of the afternoon.

When I returned to the cottage it struck me that I should draw inspiration from the natural untidiness of the fields that was clearly creeping up through the garden and would probably have entered the cottage itself by now if it was not for the ministrations of the unseen changeover cleaner. The tension between the authenticity of the natural disorder asserting itself outdoors and the imposition of an unsustainable order indoors struck me as immediately antithetical to the creative purpose of my mission. Order cures all, but I was driven at that moment to bring disorder indoors.

I had laid out the contents of my canvass roll bag carefully. I had placed seven pairings of underwear and socks for my five-day stay – a change per day and spares in case of an emergency such as being caught in a heavy downpour – in the top drawer of the four-draw dresser. Four loose fitting comfortable tops were resting folded in regular rectangles in the second drawer, while a warm jumper and a spare pair of casual chinos with elasticated waistband were housed together in the third drawer. The fourth draw, which would be used for dirty clothes as these accumulated during the week, contained, for now, the canvass roll bag. Three shirts hung in one side of the wardrobe and a quality raincoat occupied the other side, while a pair of trainers rested on the floor next to a space for the stout walking shoes I was presently wearing. Bathroom items were, of course, housed in the bathroom.

The arrangement had a great deal to recommend it. To some extent it reflected the ordering of my permanent home bedroom, with the exception of the placing of the overcoat, which would, at home, have hung on its own hook behind my front door. There was no hook behind the front door here and I had no wish to leave my outdoor coat on one of the hooks in the kitchen. Everything was out of the way but within easy reach. The arrangement offered symmetry of intent and purpose and gave rise to a formal beauty aesthetically pleasing to eye, hand and mind. It was, in short, complete and, therefore, dead. Its perfection rendered redundant any possibility of improvement through thought or action.

I took two pairs of socks and unrolled them into their four separate components. I placed one in each drawer. In fact, I rather threw each sock into a drawer and then slid it shut. A gale of creative destruction flowed through the air and, had it not been for the lateness of the hour and the need to sleep to recover the energy lost through my efforts to get here, I might have sat at the kitchen table there and then and stared down the blankness of the white page.

As it was, the day was clearly drawing to a close and so I moved to the bathroom to brush my teeth, get ready for bed and prepare myself for the whatever might happen next.

 

I came here to write – Day two

A short story over five days. Day two

What happened next is this – breakfast. Breakfast here will be an assortment of the foodstuffs I carried with me, the bread and strawberry conserve I bought in the village yesterday and anything further I purchase from future trips back along the dirt track and down the three lanes. Laid out this morning on a rough-hewn, golden oak table is the perfect vignette of my present circumstances. The bread and handmade jam sit alongside a litre of oat milk, a variety six pack of vegan muesli and two packs of Fairtrade fresh ground Kenyan coffee. A floral china cup sits on an unmatched saucer above and slightly to the right of a deep pale blue bowl in which rests a stainless steel spoon. A stainless steel knife crosses a side plate that bears a passing family resemblance to the bowl on its right. The knife’s serrated edge points away from the bowl. I turn the knife over so that its cutting edge presents a more pleasing relationship to the bowl. It now gives the appearance of having joined an arrangement, rather than the impression of trying to escape its neighbours. I can’t remember now if I forgot the orange juice from home or deliberately left it behind due to its weight. I think I must have taken the conscious decision to leave it behind because yesterday, after picking up the strawberry jam and bread, I moved naturally to open the glass-paneled refrigerator door in the little village store to look for some fresh orange juice to carry the last part of the journey with me. A long life orange juice drink, which is to orange juice what flash fiction is to the Victorian novel, was all that was available. I left it resting and resolved to make do with tap water.

I sit down on the wooden chair and take in the scene. Breakfast for one at a table with places for four.

Washing up is a delight. There is an old Belfast sink and no plastic washing up bowl to interfere with an urbanite’s fancy for a taste of rural idyll. The cooker’s electric, no suggestion of a log burning range for which I could hunt down dried beech kindling and fire up an authentic Italian pizza using wild mushrooms picked at dawn in this corner of Shropshire. If I had a hound of the right variety I could even dig up a truffle or two. Something for the pizza and more that I could sell to the highest hotel bidder back in the smoke. I might get enough to pay a good chunk of the costs of this retreat, but I have no dog of any kind anymore and no real idea of what a wild truffle looks like. Do people do that? Escape the humdrum of daily city life and turn a hand to paying for their break with some amateur collecting? Fossils perhaps from the Jurassic Coast, or Jet from a short stay in Whitby? That is what I’m doing, I suppose – hunting for words. If I find them, tame them and train them to stand on the page in just the right order, someone might publish them. And then, just perhaps, someone might buy them and pass on a recommendation to a friend – ‘No, I hadn’t heard of him either. Alright, he’s not to everyone’s taste, but it filled a couple of rainy afternoons. And it’s a third off on Amazon, you know’.

A Modern Classic. An Overnight Sensation In Just 40 Years!

I think I might ask around the farms for a failed Collie, a noise sensitive gun dog or a claustrophobic terrier that I can take off their hands and see if I can’t train one up to sniff out that truffle.

I had overslept, of course. There are blackout curtains in the south facing bedroom and it was past 10 when the need for the toilet forced me to the bathroom where the light streaming through the slats of the pale blue Venetian blinds told me that the sun was eating the shadows and running off with the day.

Now, with breakfast out of the way and the washing up done, my thoughts have turned to whether I should have a late lunch and no dinner or no lunch and my dinner on time. I know immediately that I won’t decide on either course of action. I will simply allow the day to unfold around me and something will happen, or not happen, to determine the outcome for me. An evasive and dishonest approach. I am responsible for whether and when I eat. It’s just that I would much rather a knock at the door (unlikely) or boredom, (most likely) to make the decision for me. It won’t be the pangs of hunger that determine the time and place of my next meal. When was the last time I was hungry? It must have been as a child. Does anyone eat now because they’re hungry? TV dinners and takeaways, and grazing in between. The only people who actually get hungry in this country are those too poor to have food in the house. Food, but no hunger. Hunger, but no food. The way of the world.

I’m out the door and crunching gravel telling myself that I am on the trail of inspiration, but knowing full well that this is no way to find either truffle or words. I look for a finger post poking through overhanging branches, spot one and climb the wooden stile that is slowly being consumed by nettles and brambles. A footpath in search of its public. I walk for hours, wondering while walking. I’ve heard such wanderings called research, but I think I would need at least a pen and a soft-backed A5 notebook of the kind supposedly used by Hemingway to evidence such a purpose in my ramblings. I navigate across country by three church steeples and a row of pylons that carry the future over the nearest hamlet and toward the city from a power station too faraway to have its name known here. I’m gone for hours. No late lunch and I’m too late to get my dinner on time. It’s a relief to know that there’s nothing that I can do about it. I tried, I really did. I turned for home three times or more before losing site of the pylons and steeples, I relied instead on my underdeveloped sense of direction. That led me down when I should have gone up, east when I should have turned west and back when I should have gone forth.

Only now do I have two of the steeples in sight rising above the horizon and the faintest suggestion of something that could be wires stretching themselves loosely between supports off to their left. Certitude would be the final steeple in the trinity allowing me to triangulate a route back to the cottage. I take the path of least resistance and head downhill toward a stile cut into the stone wall that marks this field’s boundary and then up through a field of bleaters to see the third steeple appear above me to the right. It must be a good three miles back to the kitchen table, an hour and a half at least on these undulating paths. So I plonk myself down to rest a while on a big splinter of sandstone that had rose up out of the ground in just the right spot a millennia ago and contemplate. Nulla dies sine linea. Hardly.

Tomorrow I must take a different tack, turn and face the strain. I have only three days left to constrain the infinity of that white page with words of meaning. But they are not going to be found out here on these hills amongst the trees and shadows.

I came here to write – Day five

A short story over five days. Day five.

I wake early, pull back the thick curtains and make welcome a new day. I wash, dress, breakfast and marvel at how, over just a few days, a routine has been establishing itself despite late rises, missed meals and all-night absences. Natural rhythms asserting themselves, absorbing, making sense of the everyday activities generated by acts of free will.

Today, I leave.

Perishable food has been bagged and placed in the grey bin at the top of the lane. Some loose papers, packaging and glass bottles have been carried to the green bin and placed inside. I have washed, dried and stored my plates and cutlery from breakfast. I have wiped down the sides, brushed the floors and left the dirty and damp towels alongside the bed linen in the bath, as requested by the welcome note I found when I arrived. The cottage is tidy.

My bag is packed and sits on one of the spare kitchen chairs. There is just room for my laptop. This sits open on the table. The snow-white page still floats on a grey still sea, but now the pulsating black cursor beats comfortingly in its own silence. I watch it flashing like a negative lighthouse and wonder at its constancy. Only a few days ago, I was intimidated by its persistence, as if it might jump off the screen and chase me into a corner and terrorise me until I give in to its demands. Now it marks the passing of time, independent of anything I might or might not do.

I came here to write and I will not leave until I have, although the words I have hunted down will not form themselves into a Classic of any kind, just a brief note. I pick up a black ballpoint pen and take two plain sheets of A5 writing paper from the middle of a small stack that has sat undisturbed on the hall table since I arrived five days ago.

Finally, at last, I write.

I fill three sides of paper with an open confident script that leans a little impetuously to the right. I offer rough directions and a brief explanation of the choice I have made. I toy with the idea of adding a sketch like one of those found in a quality guide to local walks, but it would take some time to work out a scale and my drawing today is limited to inevitable conclusions. For formality’s sake, I sign and date the note. For clarity’s sake I print my name and my home address.

There is no envelope, so I fold the two sheets of paper in half, plain side outward and write: ‘To whom it my concern’ on the front and add a full stop for no good reason. I place the note in the centre of the kitchen table.

I rise and wonder who will find it. I suppose it will be the changeover cleaner when she arrives the day after tomorrow. Why ‘she’? Cleaners these days come in all genders, particularly those attached to small businesses. Less so in the home, perhaps, where domestic labour more often than not remains the preserve of the woman, with the more enlightened households containing a husband or son willing to ‘help out’.

We shared everything back then, including the drudgery. I miss that the most, I think, the sharing. The wealth of our short-lived tiny island nation was not based on a division of labour into specialisms. We mucked in together and mucked up together. What we lost in efficiency, we gained in laughter and the joy of being in it together. Our thoughts and memories seemed to merge the more time we spent together and the more we did together. We would bicker not over future plans, or the hopes and dreams we expressed for our girls in the quiet hours that fell between putting them to bed and falling asleep ourselves, but over who laid claim to origination and who to mere amplification. We created memories together and remembered together.

For a while after, it was enough to hold a photograph, a postcard, a note, even a scribble and remember alone. But each remembrance smudged just a little, the details shifted to the edge and then the memory moved out of sharp focus. I noticed it first with the voices. They became echoes floating away to the back of my mind. Actors or voiceover artists mimicking the people I loved could have spoken the words on the few digital recordings that we had made together during birthdays and holidays. The people, the real people, not their digitalised representations, but their flesh and their blood and their laughter and love, they were gone. Of course, I expected their smells to fade from the pillowcases and T-shirts, even though I never washed them. But now even the aroma of sweet tomato, garlic and basil sauce simmering on a low heat no longer situates their clear, bright expectant faces around the kitchen table we shared. The memory of each face no longer bears much resemblance to the images caught in such exacting detail on photographs and videos. In the early morning or the fading evening light when I see them together in the intense shadows, I recognise them by the way an arm swings or a hip shifts its weight to allow a torso to twist or a head to turn, but never by the sharpness of a facial feature.

I have the idea of them still and it is more intense than ever, but the reality is gone. I share nothing with any of them now. They have moved beyond any place where new memories can be made and they are in no position to remember with me. Tomorrow, I will remember a little less clearly and the day after that a little less clearly again. It is not a forgetting that clears away and opens up space. It is an intensification of a loss that replaces presence with absence and empties more and more everyday existence of its meaning. They are here with me now by not being seated at the three empty kitchen chairs, and they are all around in the silence that should be filled with shouts to hurry up, get ready, make sure you pack your toothbrush, fetch the dog’s lead and what else was it we used to always say before leaving somewhere to head home?

I leave by the front door, placing the keys in the holder outside. I shuffle the combination lock and check that it is secure from the opportunistic burglar who might pass by.

I walk toward the woods and hope I’ll find them there in the shadowlands.